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Absinthe King of Spirits Gold
[absinthe03]

by Glyn Davies Date: 11/19/2008
GREEN FAIRY RIGHT UP THERE WITH YETI & THE TOOTH FAIRY SAYS CONSUMER

Well, I have to say that - thus far - I'm pretty disappointed. Perhaps the green fairy has retired. Maybe she's on strike. Perhaps I didn't allow for the time difference between Ontario and London or the Czech Republic. Whatever the reason, I have to say that the likes of the movie (so-called) epic of Moulin Rouge is dwindling into that area of classification reserved for not only the X-Files but also The Grinch.

Being a past-connoisseur of recreational drugs, perhaps my expectations were already too high (forgive the pun). Let's face facts. Since getting into the house/hardcore music scene in the UK circa 1990 I've had probably more than my fair share of mind-altering substances. In fact, I did my illegal drugs in COMPLETELY the wrong order. I began with MDMA in 1990, progressed to that + amphetamine in the early 1990s, and by 2008 - as I write this review - have sampled cocaine, ketamine, and the fabled Canadian magic mushroom too.

I didn't really smoke marijuana 'proper' until I arrived in Canada early 2005. However, I was still as keen as mustard to give the bohemian, legendary, folklore-ridden Absinthe a run for its money. Thus I purchased a bottle of the Absinthe Gold, with the highest possible content of, well, let's say "active ingredient".

Perhaps my bloodstream has been pampered bu greater things. Maybe the leaky bottle I received this morning had allowed all the (what's it called?) Thujone to evaporate on its journey for what was once called Czechoslovakia. I'm not sure. However, what YOU need to know, dear potential consumer, is that so far I just feel drunk. Not high, not hallucinogenic, just plain old-fashioned, run-of-the-mill drunk.

Let's take a step back for a moment.

Website? Brilliant. Delivery? Swift. Packaging? Well, having worked in a warehouse when I was 16 ( some 21 years ago now) I have to say that this was lacking. When I opened the box that was delivered in less than the nine days I'd seen mentioned by other reviewers, I was flattered that my prized merchandise had arrived so quickly. However, on opening the box I was immediately struck by the Jagermeister-esque odour of herbs/alcohol/cough medicine.

This is not a good sign when you're ordering something my mail order.

Upon unpacking the bottle 'proper' it became apparent that the bottle had leaked in-transit. So, once I'd flicked away the polystyrene chips and nursed my precious cargo to the kitchen sink I had to douse the bottle - and the bubble wrap in which it was swathed - in good ol' Canadian tap water so that I didn't end up stuck to my merchandise like a fly to fly paper.

When I tried to remove the cork, having removed the cellophane around it, the lid of the cork came off in my hand. So, I had to resort to a corkscrew just to be able to access my precious cargo. The contents looked serious enough though. Sinister green liquid, peculiar-looking brown sludge in the base of the bottle. Shame I had to funnel the whole lot into a cheap plastic, expended vodka bottle in order to ensure that nothing else evaporated before I could consume it.

And then, the drinking.

As I write, I am consuming my third glass of "Gold". I used, what I believe, is the Czech method. Pour a glass, get a teaspoon of sugar, dunk it in the Absinthe, set it on fire, and just before it looks like marshmallows-for-all, douse it in the liquid and extinguish the flames.

Yup, did all that.

Then, add ice and consume. Well, I did. Ice for the first generous portion. Ice and water for the second generous portion. And, ice and ginger ale for the third and perhaps most extravagant portion.

Had I believed all previous reviews, reputation, and sheer kudos of - ooh - the green fairy then by now I should be shagging Kylie Mingoue (as per Moulin Rouge) whilst painting the Sunflowers (as per Van Gogh), cutting one of my ears off, and then writing an Oscar-winning movie starring a Tom Cruise beard who dies of bronchitis (nee "consumption").

Alas, I'm not.

As I write, well - type - to you, I am just plain drunk. Hardly surprising when you figure that Absinthe Gold is 70% proof. I'm now on my third (substantial) glass of it, having had only All-Bran for brekkie and three portions of fruit for lunch. Whatever is supposed to have happened should surely have happened by now, yet, I'm still waiting.

I'm not disappointed with originalabsinthe.com per se, let's be fair. But, if what they claim to offer is 100% pure absinthe of yore then I wonder whether the Bohemian movement in France last century was genuine, or just another case of "The Emperor's New Clothes".

Having typed this tome I am now at the end of my third, and not insubstantial, Absinthe Gold. So far, no trails, no blur, no green fairies, no Kylie Minogue, in fact "no nothing" other than a feeling of general, run-of-the-mill stupor that I can get from buying beer locally.

If anything changes, I'll be sure to let you know. :o( If nothing changes, then you may as well drink home-brew beer and put your good money towards either mushrooms or LSD. :o(

Rating: 3 of 5 Stars! [3 of 5 Stars!]
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